The Courage To Be Disliked is inspired by Alfred Adler’s psychological work, the author Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi has explained everything in a simple way, so humans like you and me can understand Alfred Adler’s psychological work.
Alfred Adler believes that each and every human begins happiness is in their bands, no one can make you happy from the inside until and unless you say within yourself that I’m happy.
That said, let me share with you some lessons that I have learned from The Courage To Be Disliked Book and why everyone should read this book, at least one time.
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The Courage To Be Disliked Book Summary
The book has five chapters and each chapter has a small section, in total, the book has 266 pages.
So we will go chapter by chapter, so you can get a clear idea about the book but before that let me share with the some of the lessons which I have learned.
- Unhappiness is something you choose for yourself.
- Everyone can change, it’s just that, they don’t want to change.
- Anger is a tool that everyone should use very wisely.
- Whether you’re happy, sad, or angry is not because of you, it’s because of the other people.
- Life is very simple, don’t make it very complicated.
- Don’t expect anything from anyone.
- You have the power to do anything, don’t stop in the middle because of the past or emotion.
- Every problem happens because of interpersonal relationships.
- Don’t Desire recognition, do whatever you want to do…
- Be in present.
- Self Affirmation is a lie, accept yourself.
- Every human begins needs something from someone, understand that.
Now, I can go on and on, so I hope you got something out of it. I have taken tons of notes from this book which I will talk about in the coming-up video but till then let’s talk about some of the points.
By the way, the book doesn’t say, chapters 1, 2, and 5 but it starts from First Night to Foth Night. Now, I will only talk about the first three nights because I really want you to read this book and if I talk about everything then I don’t think you will read the 266 pages.
The First Night: Deny Trauma
Let’s say, you have a friend who wants to change, he wants to go outside, hang out with people, and do lots of other things but he can’t because he is introverted…
Here, let me just add some paragraphs from the book, so you can understand clearly.
PHILOSOPHER: Your friend is insecure, so he can’t go out. Think about it the other way around. He doesn’t want to go out, so he’s creating a state of anxiety.
PHILOSOPHER: Think about it this way. Your friend had the goal of not going out beforehand, and he’s been manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear as a means to achieve that goal. In Adlerian psychology, this is called ‘teleology’.
YOUTH: You’re joking! My friend has imagined his anxiety and fear? So, would you go so far as saying that my friend is just pretending to be sick?
PHILOSOPHER: He is not pretending to be sick. The anxiety and fear your friend is feeling are real. On occasion, he might also suffer from migraines and violent stomach cramps. However, these too are symptoms that he has created in order to achieve the goal of not going out.
This means, your friend is afraid of other people, what will they think about me, what will I say when they ask questions. In other words, he has already made up his mind to not go outside and he already has an excuse for that.
He has created some imaginary world where he thinks, he is more okay at home rather than going outside and talking to other people or spending some time with other people.
Alfred Adler has said, whatever happens in your life is because of you and the way you think the things will happen before doing anything.
If you feel that something is not going the way you wanted then sit down and see what have you done and make a change, don’t just blame the situation on someone or even on yourself, do something about it.
The Second Night: Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Again, I will add some paragraphs from the book but before that, let’s talk about the relationship.
There was a girl and her fear was blushing, whenever he meets men, she starts blushing. Now, she wanted to confess her love to one man but because of her fear of blushing, she couldn’t do it…
Whenever she goes outside, no one notices her blushing, she just created that fear within herself. People around couldn’t care less about it but she thought, what this or that people will think about her blushing.
This is where she goes to Philosopher, she said everything about her fear of blushing but Philosopher didn’t do anything about that fear because he said,
If I cure her fear of blushing and even after that, if she can’t talk with the man she loves then she will come back and ask me to give her the fear of blushing.
Now she was thinking, I can’t be with him because of the fear of blushing, and after the fear of blushing goes away, she will think I was happy with that fear. She was giving that excuse not to talk to the man she loves, there was no fear, there was the excuse for rejection.
Now, after Philosofer says no,
She went to a party where she didn’t know that the man she loves will be there and somehow, he comes to her and started talking and he say, I wanted to talk to you for a long time,
She was shocked,
He was still talking and she was listing to him and there was one time when he said, I love you…
What do you learn from this story? let me know in the comments…
What I learned is, that no matter what kind of fear you have, it’s all in your mind, it’s all about how people will think about it. You just have to accept the Pros and Cons of yourself and try to change every day.
Don’t give excuses about anything, live the way you want to live without any excuse.
Now, I have only given you one example, this chapter has about 50 pages and you should learn more about this topic because will change the way you think about yourself.
The Third Night: Recognition
Recognition is like, you want to be validated by others, it could be your friends, mother, brother, father, or someone you don’t even know. You do something for attention and when you don’t get attention, you may feel sad and unhappy.
I just love one quote from the Courage To Be Disliked Book,
“If you’re not living your life for yourself then who is going to live it for you”
If you can understand a bit then I think you won’t ever look for validation from anyone.
One quote that’s it, no more, I promise
“They are suffering trying to meet the expectations of other people, the expectations of their parents and teachers.”
I learned this when I was 22 years old and once you understand that you don’t have to make other people happy if you’re happy within yourself then that’s enough.
I really want you to read this book and understand why people do, what they do.
There are many things that I have learned from the Courage To Be Disliked Book and I have shared quite of few here. Whatever have written, I hope, encourages you to read the book.
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