The Courage To Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi

The Courage To Be Disliked is inspired by Alfred Adler’s psychological work. The authors, Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, have explained everything in a simple way so that people like you and me can easily understand the complex ideas of Adler.

Alfred Adler believes that your happiness is in your hands. No one can make you happy from the inside unless you decide, within yourself, that I’m happy.

The Courage To Be Disliked Notes

• Unhappiness is a choice you make for yourself.
• Everyone has the ability to change; the only thing stopping them is their unwillingness to do so.
• Anger is a powerful tool, but it must be used wisely.
• Life is simple; don’t complicate it.
• Expect nothing from others.
• You have the power to achieve anything, so don’t let the past or emotions hold you back.
• Every problem arises from interpersonal relationships.
• Don’t seek recognition; do what you truly want to do.
• Focus on the present moment.
• Self-affirmations are misleading—accept yourself as you are.
• Everyone on this earth needs something from someone—understand that.

The Courage To Be Disliked Summary

The Courage to Be Disliked is written in a unique question-and-answer format. It’s not your typical book; instead, it presents a conversation between two characters—the PHILOSOPHER, who represents the author, and the YOUTH, who symbolizes you, asking the questions.

The book dives into all the questions you might have about yourself and life. With five insightful chapters, each broken into small sections, it’s easy to follow and understand. In total, the book is just 266 pages long, making it a compact but powerful read that can deeply impact your perspective on life.

Deny Trauma

Let’s say you have a friend who wants to change—he wants to go outside, hang out with people, and try new things. But he can’t, because he’s an introvert.

Let me share a few lines from the book to help explain this better:

PHILOSOPHER: Your friend is insecure, so he can’t go out. But look at it from a different perspective. He doesn’t want to go out, so he’s creating a state of anxiety to avoid it.

YOUTH: Huh?

PHILOSOPHER: Your friend has set the goal of staying home and not going out. He’s actually manufacturing his anxiety and fear as a way to achieve that goal. This is what Adlerian psychology calls ‘teleology.’

YOUTH: Wait, are you saying my friend is just imagining his anxiety? Are you suggesting he’s pretending to be sick?

PHILOSOPHER: No, he’s not pretending. The anxiety and fear he feels are real. He might even experience physical symptoms like migraines or stomach cramps. But these are just his body’s way of supporting the goal he’s already set—not to go outside.

In essence, he’s already made up his mind to stay home, and he’s created a reason for it. He’s built an imaginary world where staying home feels safer and easier than engaging with others.

If you feel stuck or if things aren’t going as planned, take a step back and reassess. Don’t just blame others or yourself. Make the change. Don’t get trapped in that loop—take action and do something about it.

Interpersonal Relationship

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a fear of blushing. Every time she met a man, she would start blushing uncontrollably.

She liked one man in particular and wanted to say, “I love you.” But her fear of blushing held her back. Whenever she went outside, no one seemed to notice her blushing. It was a fear she had created in her own mind. The people around her couldn’t care less, but she was consumed with worry about what they might think.

So, she went to see the Philosopher. She shared everything about her fear of blushing, but the Philosopher didn’t offer a solution. Instead, he said,

PHILOSOPHER: “If I cure your fear of blushing, and even then, you still can’t speak to the man you love, you will come back to me asking for the fear to be given back. You are not afraid, you are simply making excuses. There’s no real fear, just an excuse for rejection.”

After this, the girl went to a party where, unexpectedly, the man she loved showed up. He approached her and said, “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time.”

She was shocked.

He kept talking, and she listened. And then, at that moment, he said, “I love you.”

What can we learn from this story? If you ask me, the lesson is simple: Fear is all in our minds. It’s all about worrying about what others will think. The key is to accept both the pros and cons of yourself and embrace the process of learning and growing every day.

This is just one example. The chapter covers about 50 pages on this topic, and trust me, it will completely change the way you think about yourself.

Recognition

You seek validation from others—whether it’s your friends, family, or even strangers. You do something hoping for attention, and when you don’t get it, you feel sad and unhappy.

There’s one quote from The Courage to Be Disliked that really sticks with me:

“If you’re not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?”

If you can truly grasp this, you’ll never find yourself looking for validation from anyone else again.

Okay, one more quote—promise, just one more:

“They are suffering, trying to meet the expectations of other people, the expectations of their parents and teachers.”

I learned this at 22, and once you realize that you don’t need to make others happy—only yourself—you’ll feel a sense of freedom and peace. That’s all that matters.

The Courage To Be Disliked Quotes

“Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others”

“It’s that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”

“Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.”

“We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world.”

“Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free.”

“Three things are needed at this point: “self-acceptance,” “confidence in others,” and “contribution to others.”

“The reason that so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition.”

“Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as ‘good.’ And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom.”

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